A Chocolate Castle in the Sky

I cannot begin to tell you how much I love chocolate. It is possibly the most wonderful food on the entire planet. You know in the Johnny Depp version of Willy Wonka when Willy tells about the Oompa Loompas, and how their entire culture was based on the cocoa bean (well, and nasty caterpillars, but I'm not talking about those)? That is my ideal culture. I would so live with the Oompa Loompas (again, without the caterpillars and as long as I could bring my inhaler or an air conditioner or something, because I have a feeling that that jungle humidity would kind of make my asthmatic lungs implode, or something equally painful and horrifying).

Or, remember when they tell the story about Willy building the chocolate castle for that guy? I would so commission a chocolate castle from Willy Wonka, and I would NOT make the mistake of thinking it was for living in. Clearly, a chocolate castle is meant for one thing and one thing only: EATING. LOTS AND LOTS OF EATING.

In fact, I would marry Willy Wonka if he exisited. As long as it was the Johnny Depp Willy Wonka, and not the Gene Wilder one. I'm kind of head-over-heels for Johnny Depp anyway, so if I could marry Johnny/Willy it would kind of be a dream come true for me. Throw in the chocolate castle and some Oompa Loompas and that's pretty much my dream life.

(Okay, so he has the same haircut as Suri Cruise and Katie Holmes, but he's still Johnny Depp. Nothing can change that!)

So you can imagine my complete and utter delight when my brother, who recently went on vacation and visited Amish country, brought back a ten pound bar of dark chocolate for my mom.

Yes. A TEN POUND BAR OF DARK CHOCOLATE. Here is a picture of my mom holding it:

Amazing, right? And she promised to share. Hello, heaven!

Until I read the ingredients.

Is there anything more depressing in the world for a celiac than an ingredient list? Because I don't think there is. A movie like "Terms of Endearment?" Piece of cake (preferable chocolate, haha). The part in "The Godfather" where Appollonia dies? Absolutely nothing to an ingredient list. You hold your breath as you begin to skim. You pass the first few items without incident, and your hopes start to rise. You get through a few more, and you actually let the breath out and take another one. It's all good . . . it's all good . . . and then it all plummets. Your stomach clenches, you let out a groan, and you want to rip the wrapper into a million little pieces, except you're usually in the store and then you'd have to buy the item even though you can't eat it.

It sucks.

Gluten can hide in so many unexpected places. Sometimes you even make it through the whole list, but find one or two questionable items, like natural flavorings or modified food starch. And then you think, "I'm almost home free!" So you find the toll-free number on the package, call the company, and the whole thing starts all over again while you sit on hold.

Guess what the ingredient list on the ten pound bar of chocolate said? Palm kernel oil. The silent killer.

Palm kernel oil is an old, old nemesis of mine. The first time I encountered it in all it's evil glory was in microwave popcorn, which is my second-favorite food. I couldn't get my hand on my usual, gluten-free brand (Pop Weaver, for those of you who are wondering), and I decided to just get some Act II. Since Pop Weaver is gluten-free, I foolishly didn't bother to check the ingredients on Act II. After a few nights of eating it and oddly feeling sick a few hours later, I decided figured out the common denominator and checked. Sure enough? Act II is made with palm kernel oil. Pop Weaver is free of the deadly stuff.

And sadly, that lovely, perfect, delicious ten pound bar of chocolate is infested with it. I was heartbroken. All that chocolately goodness, never to be mine. Never were my tastebuds to delight in that bittersweetness.

Bittersweet, indeed.

P.S. For those of you who are now desperate for chocolate fix and are gluten-free, I can tell you, the absolute best gluten-free chocolate out there--completely palm kernel oil free--is made by Dove. Smooth, creamy, rich, and absolutely melt-on-the-tongue fantastic, it beats any other chocolate out there, even the fancier kinds. Plus, you can buy it in any drugstore. And if you go here, you can even download a Dove Chocolate Screen Saver . . . yum . . . almost as good as Johnny Depp! :)