The Evilest Laugh I've Ever Heard

Okay. So it's been almost a month since I've posted. I'm sorry! But for those of you that really care, that Devil's Food Cake really should have kept you company while I've been gone. Because it is DELICIOUS.

Anyway, I don't have much to say right now because I've been doing nothing but homework for the last month. I could rhapsodize about a few things, but to be honest, I have more homework. (I know. It's a sad state of affairs.)

But I do have something to rant about. Namely, the scale in my doctor's office. (cue booing and vegetable throwing)

Here's the thing. I've been overweight for a long time. I've tried exercising, but after a few weeks when I don't see results I usually get discouraged and quit. I've tried dieting, but with the sheer amount of crappy gluten-free food I have to eat, I have trouble denying myself anything that tastes good that I can eat, no matter how bad for me it may be.

I'm nothing if not a spectacular rationalizer.

But, started about a month before I moved out, I somehow started losing weight. I don't know how. I always had a slight suspicion that once I quit hating my body and started loving myself for who I am, I would finally start losing weight. I achieved that sort of psychological calm over the summer, and suddenly the pounds started floating off. I lost ten pounds in one month. No joke.

Then, I moved out. And if you read my previous post, you know that I took it pretty hard and was basically incapable of eating for about two weeks. More pounds, gone. Then, once I was able to eat, I found that I just didn't eat as much anymore. Probably because I'm so busy; but I find myself eating only three meals a day and one snack at night. That's it. Plus, I walk all over campus all day.

Final result? Twenty pounds and two pants sizes in two months.

On the one hand, I'm over the moon about this. On the other hand, I'm a little pissed because I just bought myself a whole new wardrobe before school started, and while all the tops still look okay, the pants/skirts are now too big. As are my shoes. (yes--I lost a shoe size. Who knew that happened??? It seems so wrong!) And I mean, who would ever have guessed that I'd be pissed about losing weight? What the hell? The whole thing is insane.

But anyway, I had an appointment with my general practitioner yesterday, and since he's been on my case for like, EVER, to lose weight, I figured he'd be doing a dance of joy. Perhaps a jig. With jazz hands.

But when I got on his scale, that atrocity had the gall to say I've only lost NINE POUNDS.

NINE POUNDS.

ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TELLING ME THAT TWO PANTS SIZES ONLY EQUALS NINE POUNDS??????

What the hell, right?

I can only come to the conclusion that the scale in his office is of the nefarious nature and somehow knows the hopes and dreams of the women step on it, and then proceeds to crush those hopes and dreams while manically laughing within it's plastic-and-steel head.

If it has a head. Whatever.

Thankfully, his nurse concurred with me. She says it always adds ten pounds to her weight and that she never goes near the thing unless she's weighing a patient. And even then she makes the sign of the cross behind her clipboard.

Adding insult to injury, while my doctor was happy about the nine pounds, and was starting to tap his feet a little beneath his desk, when he found out that I didn't lose the weight by diet and exercise he immediately planted his feet on the ground and began lecturing me.

Yeah. Lecturing me. Because who cares that I lost 20 pounds if I didn't lose it the right way?

Sigh. Whatever. On the one hand, I want to start exercising to prove his dumb ass wrong. On the other hand, what would that really prove? Wouldn't it piss him off more if started GAINING again?

So now I don't know what course to follow. What's a girl to do?

(of course, this is purely rhetorical. Despite the bizarre foot-loss and giant pants, I do want to keep losing weight. And--this is so a sign of my new mental health--not because of cosmetic reasons. Really. I've found some kick-ass plus sized clothes lately that I actually feel good about myself it, and found a tailor who can alter clothes to make them kick-ass. Right now it's more about the health thing--losing weight will help with all my other medical problems, and then maybe I can go off some meds and then switch to a lower cost insurance)

So that's the rant for today. Now that you've sat through all my bitching, let me also share with you the two videos that helped me see the light again. They're really short and trust me, hilarious. The first one is Denny Crane from the TV show "Boston Legal" kicking almost as much ass as my new clothes. The other one is a clip of the SNL mock of the VP debate. I love McCain and Palin, but considering that just yesterday I threatened to throw my TV out the window if I heard either of them say the word "maverick" one more time, I basically laughed until my face turned purple.

So that's it for today. I'll try to be back sooner next time, but until then . . . stay off of scales. For my sake.